April ‘25 Recap: the month I discovered the value of owner’s manuals
“Know your preferences, even if you cannot act on them.”
“Know your preferences, even if you cannot act on them.”
-Mitch Horowitz in his 101 rules for effective living (by way of Claudia Dawson in this week’s Recomendo newsletter)
==What went well==
The time between dinner clean up and bedtime routine is our sweet spot for special time with the boys. When I allow them to choose the activity, it’s usually more physical and loud, but they are generally more engaged and delighted than when I choose the activity. To mitigate the chaos, opt for having special time outside when they get to pick (which should be more often than not to get the full benefits of special time).
The consistent intention to optimize the functionality of our space, especially the spaces with less foot traffic that had become “dumping grounds” for un-housed items. We found homes for most of the items in the sun room and pool table area. Walking through these spaces feels much better now.
Writing up my “I can make it happen” list. It was the first time since getting into the groove of wifehood and motherhood that I committed to paper (obsidian notepad) a “yes” list. I thought of all the things that would be an automatic “yes” from me on any given day. I sent it to my husband. It was an investment into our future - I front-loaded the mental work of answering the question: “anything you wanna do this weekend/today/tonight?” I also included a section of “At-home acts of service” that answer the question “anything I can do for you?”. I wrote the list *for* Daniel. I wasn’t expecting the self-assurance I gained after sending it over to him. It was a condensed way of sharing my preferences, my dreams, and what tickles my soul at the moment. I made sure to convert my note to an editable Google doc so that the list can evolve as I do. It’s no bucket list. I’m content as I am. It’s liberating to create a list of travel destinations, date night ideas, and family outings without expectation or *need* to fulfill them. The pleasure is in the revelation that I actually know a thing or two about myself enough to confidently put out a “yes” list to the universe. Creating that list also kick started a better understanding of my role in our home and family. It motivated me to keep the house in a way that allows for those outings on any given day. It motivated me to keep my inner life and marriage life open and honest so that we have the capacity to embark on my list items joyfully.
==Blockers==
The awkward or difficult situations I had in my marriage this month resulted in Dan reminding me of his owners manual, which is a win. I carry some guilt about not understanding his manual (that he has made a practice of giving out explicitly and implicitly since our relationship began) or ignoring it completely. I’m grateful for his patience and commitment.
==What’s going away==
Fearing conflict. Conflict leads to connection when connection is the aim. I am capable of participating in connection-driven conflict.
==Plan for the future==
Pay closer attention to Daniel’s owners manual. Stay curious - clarify when questions arise.